I've been sitting in front of my computer screen trying to decide how to sufficiently express how I feel.
But I don't think there are any words that can properly describe the immense sadness I've been feeling since 6 p.m. this afternoon.
Over the past 3 weeks or so my cockatiel hasn't been herself.
At first we thought it was because she was having trouble laying eggs we bought her some vitamins and calcium. And made a little nest but nothing seemed to be helping.
Her behaviour was confusing because one minute she seemed completely fine the next she was anti-social and lethargic.
But she would still eat and exercise. Finally today I just couldn't stand it anymore and convinced my parents that we should take her to an avian vet.
We put her in a towel while my mom held her in her hands during the car ride. She was very calm and very interested in the world outside.
Once the preliminary questions were over, the vet came in and diagnosed it as tumor (2 actually to make things worse).
My dad had been saying something similar for days, but of course I didn't listen to him because who wants to believe something as horrible as that (even though in the back of my mind I feared he could be right).
But thinking someone might be right and actually having that fear confirmed are two very different things.
The moment he said the word "tumor" I felt like I've been punched in the gut, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
Naturally I just started weeping (and didn't feel embarrassed about it because I knew the vet probably dealt with that on a daily basis).
All the while my bird was on my shoulder as always cuddling up to me. He give me some time to compose myself and then asked me to make the hardest decision of my life.
Whether I wanted to have her be euthanized, or let her die naturally. I weighed the pros the cons but in the end the decision was simple.
I did not want to see her suffering. I wanted to remember her as she always was, lovable, playful, and full of life.
So as my last loving gesture I signed the euthanize order. He give her a pain killer followed by the euthanization drug that would put her to sleep.
She went quickly and painlessly as I held her in my hands.
The vet was quite surprised because things like this don't usually happen with birds as young as her (we've only had her for 3 years).
He said he could try to do an ex-ray because sometimes it can be an egg problem, to fix that would require surgery, and even then it didn't guarantee anything. He seemed much more convinced about the tumor in the end.
Just before he injected the drug into my bird my mom and I pet her and give her kisses letting her know we were there.
Sometimes I wish humans didn't have the ability to love something so much be it animal or human.
But then I think of her and there is just no way a person couldn't love such a sweet creature. It's been over 6 hours now and I still can't believe she's gone.
I'm still expecting her to make noise moving around in her cage as she always did at night, even though logically I know that will never happen again, my heart hasn't yet caught up with my brain.
They say time heals all wounds, well right now I wish there was a way to make the time go faster so I could make the pain and sadness go away.
My feathered friend, thank you for being such a great companion and for providing me with moments of joy I will always cherish.
I will miss you very much, but I will never forget you.
R.I.P. :(
