I admit it: I'm a bigot. A hopeless bigot at that: I know my particular prejudice is absurd, but I just can't control it. It's Apple. I don't like Apple products. And the better-designed and more ubiquitous they become, the more I dislike them. I blame the customers. Awful people. Awful. Stop showing me your iPhone. Stop stroking your Macbook. Stop telling me to get one.
Seriously, stop it. I don't care if Mac stuff is better. I don't care if Mac stuff is cool. I don't care if every Mac product comes equipped a magic button on the side that causes it to piddle gold coins and resurrect the dead and make holographic unicorns dance inside your head.
I'm not buying one, so shut up and go home. Go back to your house. I know, you've got an iHouse. The walls are brushed aluminum. There's a glowing Apple logo on the roof. And you love it there. You absolute MONSTER.
Of course, it's safe to assume Mac products are indeed as brilliant as their owners make out. Why else would they spend so much time trying to convert non-believers? They're not getting paid. They simply want to spread their happiness, like religious crusaders.
Consequently, nothing pleases them more than watching a PC owner struggle with a slab of non-Mac machinery. It validates their spiritual choice. Recently I sat in a room trying to write something on a Sony Vaio PC laptop which seemed to be running a special slow-motion edition of Windows Vista specifically designed to infuriate human beings as much as possible.
Trying to get it to do anything was like issuing instructions to a depressed employee over a sluggish satellite feed. When I clicked on an application it spent a small eternity contemplating the philosophical implications of opening it, begrudgingly complying with my request several months later. It drove me up the wall. I called it a bastard and worse. At one point I punched a table.
This drew the attention of two nearby Mac owners. They hovered over and stood beside me, like placid monks.
"Ah: the delights of Vista," said one.
"It really is time you got a Mac," said the other.
"They're just better," sang monk number one.
"You won't regret it," whispered the second.
I scowled and returned to my infernal machine, like a dishevelled park-bench boozer shrugging away two pious AA recruiters by pulling a grubby, dented hip flask from his pocket and pointedly taking an extra deep swig. Leave me alone, I thought. I don't care if you're right. I just want you to die.
I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it's there, and there's nothing you can do about it. OK, OK: I know other operating systems are available. But their advocates seem even creepier, snootier and more insistent than Mac owners. The harder they try to convince me, the more I'm repelled.
To them, I'm a sheep. And they're right. I'm a helpless, stupid, lazy sheep. I'm also a masochist. And that's why I continue to use Windows – horrible Windows – even though I hate every second of it. It's grim, it's slow, everything's badly designed and nothing really works properly: using Windows is like living in a communist bloc nation circa 1981. And I wouldn't change it for the world, because I'm an abject bloody idiot and I hate myself, and this is what I deserve: to be sentenced to Windows for life.
That's why Windows works for me. But I'd never recommend it to anybody else, ever. This puts me in line with roughly everybody else in the world. No one has ever earnestly turned to a fellow human being and said, "Hey, have you considered Windows?" Not in the real world at any rate.
Until now. Microsoft, hellbent on tackling the conspicuous lack of word-of-mouth recommendation, is encouraging people – real people – to host "Windows 7 launch parties" to celebrate the 22 October release of, er, Windows 7. The idea is that you invite a group of friends – your real friends – to your home – your real home – and entertain them with a series of Windows 7 tutorials.
So you show them how to burn a CD, how to make a little video, how to change the wallpaper, and how to, oh no, hang on it's not supposed to do that, oh, I think it's frozen, um, er, let me just, um, no that's not it, um, er, um, er, so how's it going with you and Kathy anyway, um, er, OK well see you around I guess.
To assist the party-hosting massive, they've also uploaded a series of spectacularly cringeworthy videos to YouTube, in which the four most desperate actors in the world stand around in a kitchen sharing tips on how best to indoctrinate guests in the wonder of Windows.
If they were staring straight down the lens reading hints off a card it might be acceptable; instead they have been instructed to pretend to be friends. The result is the most nauseating display of artificial camaraderie since the horrific Doritos "Friendchips" TV campaign (which caused 50,000 people to kill themselves in 2003, or should have done).
It's so terrible, it induces an entirely new emotion: a blend of vertigo, disgust, anger and embarrassment which I like to call "shitasmia". It not only creates this emotion: it defines it. It's the most shitasmic cultural artefact in history. Watch it for yourself.
Still, bad though it is, I vaguely prefer the clumping, clueless, uncool, crappiness of Microsoft's bland Stepford gang to the creepy assurance of the average Mac evangelist. At least the grinning dildos in the Windows video are fictional, whereas eerie replicant Mac monks really are everywhere, standing over your shoulder in their charcoal pullovers, smirking with amusement at your hopelessly inferior OS, knowing they're better than you because they use Mac OS X v10.6 Snow Leopard.
Snow Leopard. SNOW LEOPARD.
I don't care if you're right. I just want you to die.
Source: Neatorama via guardian.co.uk
I heart this article, so sad and yet so true, and so hilarious!!. *LOL*.
And even though I'm a hopeless PC slave myself I adore those Mac commercials. Pure genius.
Unlike the PC ones which are pathetic pieces of crap.
Yep, I'm just as confused and conflicted as the guy who wrote this thing! :D.
© Mark Renders/Getty ImagesFormer world number one Justine Henin has announced she will return to professional tennis in 2010.
Henin, who retired in May 2008 at the age of 25 saying she no longer had any passion for the game, plans to play exhibition matches in Dubai and Charleroi, Belgium ahead of a full WTA Tour comeback at the start of next year.
"I'm really happy and deeply moved to be able to announce tonight that I'm coming back to competitive tennis," Henin told RTL-TVI on Tuesday.
"These past 15 months have been enriching... but there is a flame that has been re-lit. I thought it had been put out forever."
"Subconsciously, it might have had an impact," Henin said. "But it certainly was not the most important reason." Henin has seven Grand Slam titles among a total haul of 41 career victories and was credited with the best backhand in the women's game prior to her shock decision to call it quits. She has won the French Open four times, the US Open twice, the Australian Open once and an Olympic gold in 2004, leaving Wimbledon as the only major tournament to have eluded her. The Liege-born player was world number one for 117 non-consecutive weeks, a position she held when she retired 16 months ago citing a succession of injuries and a desire to live a life away from tennis. Henin, whose Grand Slam return will be at the Australian Open in January, is to once again be coached by Carlos Rodriguez. "I swear I was extremely surprised," he said. "I'm happy because at the end of the day it's what she loves. "She has entrusted me (to be her coach) once again and I will try to never let her down. "I'm very happy to be helping her to restart her new life. It's a super challenge for her. "The desire to win Wimbledon is one of the main reasons she's come back and I'll do everything to help her do it." WTA Tour chief Stacey Allaster was delighted to welcome back Henin. "Justine is one of the great champions in the history of women's tennis and we, along with millions of her fans around the globe, are thrilled with her announcement today," Allaster said in a statement. "Justine is that rare athlete who decided to step away from the game at the height of her powers and no doubt she will be a force to be reckoned with. Her career was marked by so many amazing moments and a new chapter begins today."The 27-year-old's retirement u-turn comes just over a week after fellow Belgian Kim Clijsters capped her own comeback with victory at the US Open.
The Argentinean revealed that one of the principle reasons behind Henin's comeback was a desire to win Wimbledon.
Source: Skysports
Ok, who saw this coming?. First Kim now Justine, the Belgians are making a comeback!.
Throw Martina Hingis back in the mix, and I would be one happy tennis fan (yes I will never let that dream go *lol*).
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