I read this a few days ago, and it had me howling with laugher. So as always I am sharing it here in hopes that it does the same for all of you, enjoy;).
Season's Greetings!
As you already know, our darling Martina Hingis was caught vending at the coke machine earlier this year and subsequently decided to call it a career. This head-scratching anomaly caused quite a ruckus in our little gated community, but we're counting our blessings anyway. Why? Because this year we can subtract Radek Stepanek's place setting from the dinner table. Weird looking manimals belong on the menu, not the furniture.
Let's eat.
Yes, Martina broke his baboon heart, and Radek has now transplanted his love onto 18-year-old fresh-from-jailbait, Nicole "Vacuous" Vaidisova. In fact, they just filed for a marriage license in Florida, proving that it's never too late to rebel against your parents.
Let's drink.
That's what our prodigal son Andy Roddick was saying after he finally won his beloved Davis Cup after seven years of dedicated participation. In fact, since the Bryan Twirps had already clinched the tie that Saturday, it's precisely why he didn't play the dead rubber on Sunday. However, Andy should have delayed his Jager imbibing one more day to give the Oregon crowd their money's worth. Bob Bryan playing singles is not exactly a camera phone-worthy moment.
Quick, in the true spirit of Christmas, repress that unpleasant thought and project the negativity onto someone else. One, two, three: Hillary! Scary.
Let's be merry.
Aunties Mary Pierce, Jennifer Capriati, Monica Seles, Lindsay Davenport are all women in their -- shhh -- 30s with visions of comebacks dancing in their heads. Is it too early to call them tennis cougars? Regardless, three months after giving birth, Lindsay pounced all over a shaky WTA Top 50 and won two titles. Look for her to continue icing the cake in 2008. A woman with a nanny and nothing to lose is dangerous thing. (Heavens to Betsy, why do all roads lead to Britney?)
Pierce and Capriati are still making like Amy Winehouse and rehabbing, but Seles just announced a potential return in March. Va Va Voom Monica is turning heads these days with her fit and willowy figure. And she's glowing like an angelic tree topper. Hopefully this luminescence will translate into a few headlining results of the non-embarrassing variety. No one deserves them more.
And we're so proud to announce that after eight years of sporadic enrollment, Venus Williams has graduated from the Fashion School for the Mildly Interested Millionaire. She's selling her clothing line exclusively through those fine retailers of disposable clothing, Steve & Barry. No need to do laundry; the fabric will disintegrate. Just throw it away!
Lastly, Great Uncle Johnny McEnroe has been seen wandering about town declaring that the Russian mafia has infiltrated tennis. Somehow we think the mafia has bigger fish to fry than Mardy Fish, but it's easier if we let him throw his you-know-what at the wall to see what sticks. Or lure him into the basement with a plate of fish sticks.
Let's open presents.
http://www.islandpacket.com/opinion/columns/clark/story/109474.html
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